We learn as we live. And from everything I’ve been going through, I can safely conclude that its true. And, as I quoted earlier, I discover a new me soon as I think I knew me.
What holds back the truth and change shall only cause pain.
Life is a lot more than what can be explained in words. But as I add up my experiences to my scorecard, I now know what it is.
A great part of it involves “…to say what must be said, to do what must be done and to love who must be loved.”
And, the Truth shall, always, set you free.
Though I’ve seen many dear and near ones pass me by in my life, I’ve never written about death before. For, I never knew what it would feel like – until recently.
I feel lucky to have passed through this experience. Its hard to describe it in the generic context of duality of good or bad, because there is no such thing. It just is.
So, it was my friend’s birthday, and we were hoping to get high. Little did I know what I was going to face then. Though it wasn’t first time, it could have been last time.
I inhaled a few black clouds, enjoying the state of consciousness, puzzled with dizziness. My friend couldn’t take in much, and was constantly telling how badly rolled it was. :p
So I would take in more and more, and explain him how he was doing it wrong.
Then, in an instance, I felt a sudden whip of utter dizziness. Wham! And I said, “I can feel it so strong, why can’t you..” And went in another breathe. Wham!!! I was getting dizzy and high, and I mentioned I can’t take it anymore – I’m as high as heavens.
He gets a call, and goes away for a while.
Wham!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who.. what.. where.. why… how…
I could sense how my senses were loosing their control. Starting with sight. I could see things, but not really make sense with them. Another few seconds, and it started feeling numb first in my brain, then legs, arms, chest, heart and everything else… and I could sense my whole body vibrating from within – feeling like a thunderbolt of millions of watts is passing through me. It was all numb, yet filled with extreme energy. Pure consciousness. Oneness.
I crossed all my fingers of my hands, and folded and pressed my hands, and noticed myself gripping them so hard I could not separate easily. I felt discomfort in my stomach, lungs and heart. I felt my heartbeats dropping down.
I noticed I was loosing it, and I was sure I won’t make it through. With great difficulty, I shouted at my friend to bring me some water.. and I didn’t know why I did this. He was gone for almost a few centuries, which he later told me were only a few minutes. I was sweating bullets. I was not breathing unless I made conscious efforts at doing so. Sitting in the front of the car, I took my shirt off. Still sweating – and probably dehydrating.
I felt these were the last moments. The past memories flew by me. I remembered the ones I love. I uttered their names. I sensed that so many things will go unsaid, undone, untold, unheard, non-existed. A deep sigh, with a glimpse of tears in eyes, with realization that nothing actually matters – its all momentary. And I was one of those fabrics that created the moments that were. I sensed I could either end up in a hospital, in a police station, or in a graveyard. Chances were high that it could be the last one.
I am a non-believer. But then, when it was one of those last moments when death could have kissed me, I surprisingly uttered OM / AUM sound.. loudly… several times. I did it like it was the last but only thing I had to do. It felt like I’m bringing in, calling for, triggering some energies – within and beyond – that will spark it all up again. After all, as I’ve learned it later, sound does not exist. It is just an impression in mind created by the energy waves or oscillations.
So there I was.. waiting for the last sip of water to go in – and may be then bid a farewell to this reality and to possibly enter another..!??!?
But then came my friend, bringing in the water bottle, giving it to me unopened while talking on phone!!!!@!!@@$#@
I tried to tell him to open it for me. But I had little control over my voice, and it went a little too loud. He then recognized the situation was probably already out of control, and turned the call off.
He opened the bottle for me. I drank a few sips. A sudden discomfort inside the body… like it was telling itself there is something wrong. Someone isn’t able to take in a fucking breathe!!!!! I continued drinking, a few more sips, and then suddenly… the stomach responded. :))
“PUKE!!!!! Puke the fuck out of this asshole. Anything that is in his belly. Just puke the fuck out, so that his lungs can get some space to take the fucking breathe in!!!!” – screamed the amazing molecular superstructure of my body to all of its microcosms.
“Okay.. a little more.. PUKE. The roads of this city are already in bad condition, nothing can go worse. PUKE.” the microcosm responded. 😀
I slowly recovered back to my senses. And felt the beauty of life again. Calmness. Wisdom. Oneness.
I sworn to myself to respect this fucking life (which I do anyways, but still, reaffirming 😉 ). I sworn to say what must be said, to do what must be done, to love who must be loved. For, I realized that the only thing that could probably hold you back from the ultimate bliss and freedom is the times when you disobeyed the call of your heart.
Longing. Discomfort. Pain. Agony. Infidelity. Suffocation.
Like water shaping the rock… slowly but firmly.
Oh, life. You too shall pass…?